The Art of Intimacy

“In the progress of personality, first comes a declaration of independence, then a recognition of interdependence.”

Henry Van Dyke

Intro

We cannot wake up alone because we cannot take ourselves out of control. We cannot press our own buttons and we do not know who we are within the finite limitations of control. Because of our interconnectedness with others, we need them to truly awaken to who we are.

Knowing who we are is a process of discovery that we make on the edges of identity, where we could have no idea how we would respond to another person or situation no matter what we told ourselves until we were there, actually experiencing it. But beyond this, we cannot know who we are alone, because alone is not real. Who we are at every point is not a static self, but a process of mutually-influencing reciprocity. We need people to push our buttons or we don’t discover who we are and grow!

Reading – We Cannot Wake Up Alone

We cannot wake up alone because we cannot take ourselves out of control. We cannot press our own buttons and we do not know who we are within the finite limitations of control.

Knowing who we are is a process of discovery that we make on the edges of identity, where we could have no idea how we would respond no matter what we told ourselves until we were there. But beyond this, we cannot know who we are alone, because alone is not real. Who we are at every point is not a static self, but a process of mutually-influencing reciprocity.

In fact, we tap into the truth of who we are when we are able to connect in with other nervous systems, extending consciousness into progressively further and further reaches. It is through this process that the highest order information gathered from each system can be exchanged for the furtherance of the bigger system and the individuals involved. If the truth of this life is interconnection — and it is — there is simply no way to maintain the illusion that one can awaken without another. In fact, from this vantage point, the next master or world teacher will be the singular experience of a collective coming into connection.

The teacher will be connection itself, what lies in between us, the place of promise will be the abundance we experience as well as the safety and love when connected into this whole.

It will be here that we learn the mechanics and pronouncements of connection — that the whole exists as a form to protect the uniqueness of each. That this be the unifying vision that has it be that each individual is called evermore to be fully who they are, while being dedicated to honoring, supporting and fostering their individual realization according to its distinct requirements. Until together we find ourselves awake and home. If we each endeavor toward this end, we discover that this process of interdependence and reliance organically draws forth the best in us and curbs the excesses, not in order to be good people, but because we have each placed our well-being in a collective pod. And as such, we are both responsible and are given the resources to realize who we are. Our thank you for this is to put back into the pot with care and attention, but also to demonstrate the outcome of the investment in ourselves. It is a virtuous cycle where growth begets growth. It is also pragmatic in that it pushes us against things we would otherwise avoid. And for the care of the whole, demands that we release personal entitlement and preference, which ultimately benefits us. This is not done out of altruism but out of placing desire into a deeper, truer place. When we relate, tending first to what lies between us, all three are taken care of necessarily. Because if we are not doing well as an individual, we are not doing well collectively either. If the relationship is not doing well, neither person is doing well. Wellbeing becomes not something we do for someone else or do as a sacrifice. We cannot sacrifice our needs in the process either. All must grow and be tended to as needed.

Meditation 

Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body. 

Allow yourself to drop into your body.  Bring your attention inside.  Slowly scan your body from head to toes noticing any sensations. Visualize your environment. Feel the room you are in, if others are nearby. Feel the house or building you are in. Allow your awareness to go beyond that building to the town, countryside, or wider area. Notice your connection to everything, how it feels to acknowledge and open up to that feeling. Come to a point in space where you can look back and see the Earth, a ball of blue and green, of which you are a part. Now move back into the Earth, and bring your awareness back to the wider area, to the countryside, to the town, and now into the place where you are right now, and back, finally, into your body.

At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Journal on the experience of feeling how you are a part of it all, even as you are it all as an individual. Write about how you understand yourself as a strand in a web and how others help to make your own web stronger by helping you to see who you are in any given situation.

Exercise 

Think of your relationship with someone in your life and the “third” between you. It is not either of you alone, but something else that both of you impact and touch and tend to. Think of something your “third” with this person needs and then carry that out. It could be a physical thing, emotional, a tender acknowledgement, whatever feels right. Write down a few ways you can carry this out and take the first step. Note how the relationship changes for both of you afterwards. 

Example

When I first moved out of my parents house, I lived with one house mate in a modest two bedroom apartment. I’d always liked my alone time. Socializing drained me quickly. Somehow within two years of being out of the house, I ended up in a living situation with six people. Six! It was a big, old house that needed a lot of work situated right in the middle of the city. There were six rooms and two bathrooms. Two! We had to work out who cooked when, how long showers could be so the hot water didn’t run out, what the right way to communicate about having guests over was, who could use the living room for things and for how long. And on and on. We had house meetings and house outings and house dinners. They all drove me crazy, every single last one of them. I thought about moving out at least once a day, but somehow I stayed for two years. I actually loved it so much. I discovered parts of myself that I couldn’t have found any other way than being confronted with that much connection and intimacy on a daily basis. My buttons were pushed to the end of time, and I am sure I pushed everyone’s buttons too, but somehow it always led back to friendship. I learned to trust other people in a way I never had before, because I had seen them at their best and worst, and vice versa. 

“Nothing is more powerful than an individual acting out their conscience, thus helping bring the collective conscience to life.”

Norman Cousins

Summary

You become more you when you interact with others who help you grow. You learned here to identify how connection and intimacy can push your buttons, but from those buttons being pushed, you evolve in ways you never could alone. With these tools you can find true relationships even in places and with people you never thought you could before.