The Art of Intimacy
Module One: Perfection
Approval is a Noble Act
“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
Mark Twain
Introduction
There is a noble part of ourselves that Erotic practice helps us access. We become naturally generous with our approval when we are in contact with this part of ourselves. We are kinder to ourselves, others, and in our outlook, applying approval in a way that unlocks a loving radiance to life that we otherwise wouldn’t be able to experience. “You can only see what you love.”
Reading – Approval
The subtle art of approval is central to the Erotic life. To genuinely approve, we must access a noble part of ourselves. This nobility has an infinite and unshakable largesse, a generosity and approval; we are joyfully engaged. We are hospitable. No matter who we are and what we do, we radiate the nobility of approval.
We are able to begin practicing approval only when we realize our own perfection. Otherwise, we are always discriminating, accepting this and rejecting that; we are always held back, unreceptive. Everything must prove its worthiness, including ourselves. And so all our behaviors feel so gripping and stingy because underneath them we’re scraping for our shred of this nobility, for this quality of approval that is already inside of us.
Approval aims the mind through its constant scan for danger and threat. Whatever it finds, these are the places the mind cannot yet see down past the scary veneer to the essential nature: the sublime that exists in all things. But the sublime simply will not open to fear. It will only open and reveal itself to an approving eye. And it is the resources of the sublime that we need to give us the acuity of perception that can show us how to move skillfully with Eros. The approving eye allows the positive potential in all great things to flow. When it is upon us, it extracts and draws out our hidden greatness.
We often withhold approval believing that to approve is to endorse poor behavior we wish to change when, in fact, it is the exact opposite: when you approve you have control. Like turning into a skid, it is only when you open to the perfection of that which you wish to change that change can occur.
Approval opens us in such a way that we are able to accurately receive information about the world. It is a living affirmation of our interior wealth and that we can afford to say yes and offer our surplus approval for the benefit of another in deficit.
Approval is the key to building a resilient mind; a mind that understands that “bad” is simply a habit and that has developed the capacity to re-code in real time what had previously been mis-labelled. So long as we employ it, there is nothing left to negate any aspect of reality or subvert our inherent dignity. It becomes a primary tool of growth, whereby we commit ourselves to all of our experience. We embrace the totality of our lives. We do not abandon ourselves in acquiescence. We receive and approve. While it might offer a temporary sense of control, no brilliance has ever come from disapproval. With approval, we will see how we can come to learn to love what’s happening right here, right now. It is the act of faith from which the works can come forth. Only approval can birth a life of a higher order.
Example
My friend said, “Oh wow, really took a risk with that outfit today huh?” Without following it up with anything positive. I immediately took that to mean she didn’t like it, which may or may not have been true. But I had definitely felt a barb on her comment. I could feel anger rise in me, and I wanted to lash out, to give the barb back. But instead I considered for a moment where she was at and why she might have said something like that. I realized that the personal stuff she had going on was causing her to be extra sharp and a little mean. It had happened a few other times recently. I felt approval for where she was wash itself into me like a soothing balm. I still felt a little hurt by her comment, but it was like the difference between putting one cup of salt into a quart of water vs a swimming pool. Her saltiness no longer felt so magnified to me, and I was able to pause and offer some approval to her, saying in a calm and kind way, “You feeling a lot today? How are you?” Which had her bristles come down and eased us into a more intimate conversation about her life and the challenges she was going through.
Video – Approval
Meditation – Resting in the Energy of Approval
Set aside ten minutes to comfortably and silently sit with yourself in the energy of approval. Each thing your awareness touches, offer an approving thought or feeling to it. An ache in your back, a repeating thought, a feeling of being distracted, a sadness in your heart. Each thing that arises, indiscriminately convey some approval toward it from your heart. Let that energy suffuse you.
When you have completed your meditation, be sure to write down in your journal any insights or “aha” moments you may have had. Don’t censor yourself. Write freely and without judgment. Read back over what you have written from an eye of approval that sees the perfection of your experiences.
Exercise
Choose three places in your life you normally withhold approval and instead offer your approval to them. Examples are a person at work who is difficult for you, a characteristic in yourself that you don’t like, a habit your family member has, a traffic jam you find yourself in, or a challenging conversation you are having with a friend. Three places, just one time for each one (unless you love it and want to do more of course). Journal about your experience with this exercise.
If you need some writing prompts to get you started, here are a few to pick from.
I don’t approve of __________________________________ in me because
______________________________________________________________________. One way I can start to approve of this this week is by ________________________________.
I find it hard to approve of others who __________________________________. I will approve of this in others by ____________________________________________.
A bad habit I disapprove of is _____________________. One way I will approve of this habit is by _____________________________________.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Louise Hay
Lesson Summary
You have a new perspective on approval now and can find ways to approve of things that once triggered or bothered you. You gained new insights into your disapproval of yourself and how that has hurt your growth, and how you can change it. This will require some new skills. Now let’s look at how perfection and approval leads to unconditional freedom.