The Art of Intimacy

“Even perfection has room for improvement.”

Ty Warner

Introduction 

Perfection is not the absence of the painful, the difficult, or even the horrific. In fact, it often reveals itself at those times. Perfection includes ALL of life’s experiences. Perfectionism sets into the mind only when we begin to avoid pain, because it says that if we didn’t have flaws, we wouldn’t suffer. Perfection includes our flaws, finds the beauty and purpose in them. Perfection even includes finding perfection in our perfectionistic tendencies. This ability to see the true beauty of things comes with the natural flow of Eros being in our bodies.

Perfectionism, on the other hand, is about seeking, chasing, and striving, always for that next thing we think will make us and our lives “more perfect,” and that we cannot be happy until then, failing to realize we will never be satisfied because there will always be something else out there we think we must do or have. Perfection does not ask us to chase anything, only to accept that what we already have is exactly as it should be. Yes, we can desire further expansion, if we choose it, but only from a place of knowing we don’t need it to be found worthy and perfect right here and now.

Reading – Perfection Not Perfectionism

There are moments in life that can appear awful, even horrific until a window opens in our narrowed vision and reveals the hidden offering of the experience: the unexpected building of a backbone in somebody who has always run when the going gets tough, but this time is forced by circumstance to remain; the moment life throws our deepest insecurity at us only to discover that this time we can meet it;  when we are torn down only to find that the one who rises is who we were all along. In a flash, we see what has led up to this point, and what will follow. We can see and feel it in a way we couldn’t before. And we realize the very thing that has been keeping us from recognizing our own perfection is also made of that very perfection.

Perfection often surprises us, revealing itself in our lives most precisely when it confronts the difficulties we face that would most invoke it. Until we’ve caught a glimpse of the real thing, we may only know to slap the word “perfect” on a situation in order to cover up our deep disapproval of the pain we find ourselves in. We try to avoid it; to ascend above it; to bypass it. We utter the spiritual world incantation “everything happens for a reason” without actually having done the legwork true perfection would demand. 

The friction between perfection and so-called imperfection signals a desire to uncover a deeper love, to embrace our potential for growth, of becoming, and of meaning and purpose. To bypass pain is to remove a vital catalyst from this process. If we are to become who we are meant to be, pain will become a close companion. We need to meet it, be broken by it, let it burn us down until there is nothing left. We want a perfection that can rail against the confusions of life in places where the bypass would fall apart. 

Pain, when avoided, promises us that were we without flaw we would not be suffering. We find ourselves cut off from the lifeforce of Eros, from the body, and pulled into the mind, into ideas of perfection and thus into perfectionism. We begin an endless attempt to recreate the conditions of perfection which we can never capture, never grasp—to which we can only surrender. 

Rooted in perfection, we are resilient to pain. We can go directly into the center of what hurts, confuses and deludes us imbued with the felt truth that we know in our hearts and guts – and in every cell in our body – that all of life is real, true, valid and important.

Without the recognition of perfection, we stay confined to the known, well mapped, predictable parts of ourselves. But if we are able to recognize our perfection we become fortified; we can afford to venture into the whole of ourselves, the places inside us that are still wild and that we fear will bring us pain if activated. The places that haven’t been tended and domesticated and developed through our intellect or through what we have been told about right and wrong or who or what we should be. Where there is still uncertainty and mystery. We will make mistakes and get lost,  but we will learn the language of the parts of ourselves that have no other form of expression. 

We will find no lack of beauty as we explore this inner territory. One of Eros’ stunning endowments is to help us realize how beautiful life is. The full texture of our physical existence is filled with presence – always evolving and growing, finding new forms. If we perceive lack, it is only our lacking capacity, limited by judgment, to perceive it’s surfeit. 

We feel the draw, the pull, the call. We feel it in our bodies, in our bones. Perfection radiates effortlessly: it is our natural state. The only place to meet Eros is here, in our bodies. Until we meet Her in this private and intimate way, we will never know the secrets She brings: the beauty; the wisdom; the deep rest.

Example

I was visiting my family for the holidays one year and my dad did the classic move of singling me out as the black sheep and singling my sister out as the golden child. He complimented her and made fun of me. I remember the exact moment I left myself and spun out into thoughts like, if only I was more like her, this wouldn’t happen. My parents would be more proud of me. If only I got it together like she has it together, my dad would love me like he loves her. I left my perfection and entered the funhouse mirror world of perfectionism, creating stories on stories about how to fix my flaws, or just reject my dad and my sister, creating disconnection. At that moment, I wasn’t willing to face the pain his comments caused in me, and follow them to their source. I kept thinking if I was different, the pain wouldn’t be happening, but that’s just not how it works. When I feel hurt by something someone says, and actually follow the pain down, I get to work with the part of me that needs to develop her own unshakable sense of value, regardless of external reinforcement. Unless people say things that cause pain sometimes, I won’t know where to look to see where I need to develop that value. 

Video – Perfection vs Perfectionism