The Art of Intimacy
Swaroops’ Custom Course
- Intimacy is the Sweet Spot Between Merging and Separateness
- Everything and Everyone is Always Interconnected
- Vulnerability is Key to Erotic Relating
- The Art of Savoring
- Introducing Desire
- Desire Guides the Way
- Move From Turn-On, Not Obligation
- The Body Has Its Own Intelligence and Sentience
- Eros Teaches Through Experience, Not Renunciation, Though That Could Also Be an Experience
- The Importance of Speaking the Truth
- We Offer Our Truest and Deepest Best By Telling the Truth Even When It’s Confronting
- Eros Gives Us Access to Intuition
We Offer Our Truest and Deepest Best By Telling the Truth Even When It’s Confronting
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
The spot is a moving target. It is dynamic, but it is definite. More definite than we are comfortable with. The spot is the point of highest sensation. It is unprocessed. True sensation in a control-based world feels inappropriate. We need to be honest to get there, with ourselves and with others. It is like opening a hand that has been clenched tight forever. It hurts at first and there is great resistance. But we have to learn to open it in order to reveal the truth. Eros demands this from us – the spot where we realize our truest, deepest best.
Until we find this spot and live from it, there will always be a sense of something being off, a resistance, a hardness, a dull quality to the light. Until we find this spot, we will experience “dis-ease” and “dis-content.” When we find it, we will be the flow of life itself.
- It is a naked and exposed feeling being on the spot and honest
- Finding the spot in connection is difficult because it’s such a moving target, it’s so dynamic
- Off the spot with someone will have an “off” feeling to it even if you’re engaging in exciting adventures together or everything looks right from the outside
- Taking good care of a relationship doesn’t mean coddling the other person’s feelings; sometimes honesty can hurt, but it’s important to keep the relationship on the spot
- Saying uncomfortable truths in connection with others is what reveals our deepest care and love, because we wouldn’t bother to say truths if we didn’t care about the health of the relationship
Reading – Our Truest and Deepest Best
To be right on the spot is uncomfortably naked; however, the feeling of not being on the spot, even if it seems incredible, amazing, and exciting, always has a subtle “off-ness”. There is something that is off about the moment, and we cannot sink in, let go and relax.
There are two ways to respond to this discomfort. The first is to rationalize and justify why we have ended the search for the spot, demonize the search, and then look to the material world to supply what is missing when we are off the spot.
The other is to relentlessly and faithfully search for the spot. To be willing to say no to all of the possible not-quite-it alternatives. To go through iteration after iteration, wading through tumescence until we finally find it.
To find the spot in connection with another is even more difficult. It is a moving target. It is dynamic, but it is definite. More definite than we are comfortable with. The spot is the point of highest sensation. It is unprocessed. True sensation in a control-based world invariably feels inappropriate. It is not about taking care of our or another person’s feelings, it is about taking care of feelings. It is about digging down into the Erotic — the ground of being from which everything springs.
Speaking truth is invariably painful, because in order to get there we must move through any untruth in our soul. We need to be honest to get there. It is like opening a hand that has been clenched tight forever. It hurts at first. But we have to learn to open it in order to reveal the truth. Eros demands this from us – the spot where we realize our truest, deepest best.
Meditation – Locating your truest and deepest best
Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body.
Visualize yourself sitting facing someone you care about. Imagine yourself telling the person something honest about your connection with them, something that you previously wouldn’t have said to them because you didn’t want to “rock the boat” of your relationship with them.
For example, if you’ve been distancing yourself from them recently because of a situation where your feelings got hurt, imagine telling that to them. Notice how you feel after speaking the truth to them.
At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Write down any insights and sensations that arose and pay attention to where you felt something “stick.” How hard was it to be totally honest? How hard is is to be honest with yourself?
Think of something uncomfortable you have not said to a friend or family member that you have wanted/needed to say. Write it down. Notice all your reasons for not saying it, list them. Next think about how you feel around this person, are you avoiding them? Are you deeply uncomfortable in their presence? Ask yourself do you wish to continue feeling that way (this might be a yes, that’s ok too) What would you need to stop believing about yourself in order to say the uncomfortable thing? Can you do that? (this might be a no, that’s ok, too). If you are a yes, arrange to speak with your friend and say the uncomfortable thing. Notice their response. How do you feel?
Speaking an uncomfortable truth to a friend that you’ve been withholding and needing to say is not easy and requires vulnerability for both you and your friend, but it could open the relationship to a deeper level of honesty and intimacy. If it doesn’t, then that is as it should be.
“I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I don’t want a girlfriend right now, period.” I couldn’t believe the words had actually come out. I had kept them in for weeks, denying the truth of them over and over. It did not make sense. She was perfect for me, she was adoring and attractive and smart and funny. She got me in ways no one else did. But there it was, this truth that had been waiting to explode out of me.
We went on to talk about the why, and the how long had I been feeling this way, and the how. I answered as best I could, but it wouldn’t be until much later that I would understand why I didn’t want to be in a relationship at the time. I just knew, in a way I couldn’t put aside, that it was the truth. Speaking it changed everything and we both felt heartbroken and lost for a while, but it was better than the feeling of living a lie. At least heartbreak is alive and real, even though it’s painful.
I had been spending time with the same small group of friends for years, but lately things felt off and I couldn’t pin it down. Then I found out two of the women were talking badly about me behind my back. I was shocked and hurt, and wanted to confront them, but was afraid of losing the only group of friends I really spent time with. Still, the feeling of broken trust was so strong, I took the risk of being vulnerable and told them what I had heard. They chose to go on the defensive instead of apologizing, and I had to be totally honest with them and myself – this was not a friendship to me anymore. I stopped spending time with the group and eventually found new friends that I felt more in resonance with. I know now to trust my gut intuition when something is not right and be courageous enough to confront it with honesty.
Honesty, authenticity, and truth are hallmarks of finding that sweet spot in life. You will know it by how you feel.
You understand the power of honesty, with yourself and with others. There may be times you don’t wish to confront a dishonest person, and times you will, but true connection and intimacy is impossible without honest communication.