The Art of Intimacy

“Real connection and intimacy is like a meal, not a sugar fix.” – Karen Armstrong

Intro

What we call merging might better be referred to as un-separating. We do not create union; we remove the artificial obstacles that prevent us from experiencing it. The truth remains that we can never not be in a state of union because at a deeper level, we are always all connected. 

As much as we love to be the individuals we are, we are also part of a larger cosmic body of life itself, from which we cannot be left out or left behind. This understanding, that we are both unique and part of the greater community of humanity, and that this same dichotomy is present and ideal in our most intimate relationships, is where we find that sweet spot and revel in the joy of it.

Reading – Intimacy is the Sweet Spot Between Merging And Separateness

What we call merging might better be referred to as un-separating. We do not create union; we remove the artificial obstacles that prevent us from experiencing it. The truth remains that we can never not be in a state of union. 

The obstacles — what we know as separation — are what make life worth living, what give it contours and texture and are part of our humanity. The obstacles are what give consciousness the experience of knowing, being and growing. 

The path of Eros is one of intimacy, of the relationship and interplay between states of consciousness. There is a sweet spot, a dynamic tension between sensing the draw toward union while savoring the separation between phenomena. In this gap, in the in-between where life is taut and vibrating, lies the spot we seek: intimacy. Too merged and we lose the contrast and vividness, too separate and we lose the awe and reverence. Life is most salient on the line between.

We seek the spot in all locations; in the rugged, sublime, rich, dark, fast, empty and quiet. The sweet spot where that gateway of intimacy opens. We want to be intimate with all experience. Pleasure is not inherent to eating, it occurs when we are intimate with our food. Reverence is not intrinsic in church but asks us to bring ourselves to the altar. Union is not implicit to lovemaking, it occurs when we find this doorway to intimacy within. To know intimacy then is to liberate all things of the responsibility we put on them to open for us, and to place the responsibility on ourselves to learn the art of opening each thing. For some this may prove too burdensome. But for others, the promise of a life steeped in this state, where that door opening or closing is not a mysterious accident but a craft that can be developed, proves to be the only way to live.

Meditation 

Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body. 

Settle fully into your seat. Allow your thoughts to quiet and soften, like falling leaves from a tree. Move your attention over your body, sensing for and becoming aware of any parts your mind wants to skip over or turn away from, any parts that you might notice as separate, alone. Bring your full attention to those parts one by one. Leave your attention there, adjusting from soft, to medium to heavy and back. Notice what happens to those areas. How do they feel? What changes? What kind of attention do they prefer? Move your attention to a part close by, see if you can hold both parts in your awareness. What do you notice? What exists between them? How do they compare and contrast?

At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Write down the insights you had about which parts of you hold your aloneness and what messages they had for you. Notice how it felt to give attention to those parts, which may have been crying out for our acknowledgment so they can be accepted and healed.

Exercise 

Think of someone that you haven’t allowed yourself to get fully close to. What seems to be in the way of being close to them? Is it an aspect of their personality? Do they remind you of someone you don’t like? Are you holding yourself back because you don’t want to be hurt? Do you trust them? Why not? What expectations do you have about them? What would it be like if you took away all the expectations and restrictions and things that are blocking you? What would be the natural relationship between you that wants to be revealed?  Here are some helpful prompts to get you started.

I don’t feel close to ________________________________ because I feel _______________________________ when I am around this person.

I hold back from fully giving in relationships of any kind because ________________________.

One person I want to become fully present to is ________________________ and I plan to do this to make that happen _________________________________________________________.

Example

He looked at me and I felt flooded with the romance and beauty and meaningfulness of the moment. Some Disney-fied part of me wanted to get completely swept away in the fantasy of the moment, and the fantasy I was building in the back of my mind about him and the relationship. I looked away and cracked a joke. I took a deep breath and let the fantasy slide away. If we were going to do this, I needed a clear head. I was looking for the sweet spot. I’d had plenty of “swept away” kinds of experiences and they usually ended like a bubble bursting. I wanted a more sober experience this time where there was a nice balance of the fun romance and also a grounded friendship not based in any fantasy. 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass

the world is too full to talk about.”

Rumi

Summary

There is a sweet spot that feels good in any relationship, including the one you have with yourself, where you feel empowered and whole alone and empowered and whole as a part of a bigger web of life. You now have the tools for intimacy and being fully you while being fully a part of a couple, a friendship, a group of people, even the world at large. It makes everywhere you are and whomever you are with feel like home.