The Art of Intimacy

“To drop into being means to recognize your interconnectedness with all life, and with being itself. Your very nature is being part of larger and larger spheres of wholeness.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn

Intro

At the root, we are all both always alone and always interconnected. We are like drops of water in the ocean, individual yet a part of the greater whole. We think we fear the uncomfortable process of getting home, back in our bodies. But home is not actually what we fear.

If we can remain in our true home in Eros, alone, yet interconnected and intimate, we can always be courageous in our give and take. We can throw everything into the ante, because nothing and no one can be taken from us.

Reading – We Are Always Interconnected

There is no such thing as fear of intimacy. There is fear of suffocation. There is fear of expectation. There is fear of demands. There is fear of entitlement. But intimacy is life-giving. It is what we are built for. There is no aspect of self then that could fear itself. 

There is also no such thing as fear of abandonment. There is fear of rejection. There is fear of removal of comfort or delusion. There is fear of feeling our feelings in solitude. But at the root, we are all both always alone and always interconnected. So what we fear is the uncomfortable process of getting home, back in our bodies. But home is not actually what we fear.

If we can remain in our true home in Eros, alone, interconnected, and intimate, we can always be courageous in our give and take. We can throw everything into the ante, because nothing and no one can be taken from us and the injunctions of suffocation, demands, and expectations will dissolve in the face of the real intimacy we bring to them. Because these injunctions, coming from another person, are merely the false, hungry version of intimacy, that rooted connection that can feed back into itself. When we say we have fear of intimacy or abandonment, we do ourselves a great disservice because we reinforce a tendency to retract from rather than develop the going towards that would bring us to a place where all the finite fears resolve.

Meditation – Feel the connection between you and your environment 

Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body. 

Notice where your seated body touches the chair or cushion and your feet touch the floor.  Feel the connection between your body and the ground below you.  Visualize growing a taproot extending from your tailbone down into the earth below you.  With each breath watch it corkscrew down, penetrating through layers of floor, soil and rock.  Feel your body rooted to the planet.  As you breathe in and out, pay attention to the molecules in the air moving in and out of your body.  Imagine all of the other bodies those molecules have cycled through over space and time.

At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Journal about the sense of interconnectivity you may have experienced, how you are the roots of one tree within a system of roots and trees. Note especially how it felt to reconnect with the earth as part of your own body and being.

Exercise

Think of someone that has been on your mind that you may not have spoken to for a while. Let your attention rest on the person lightly. Allow images of them to form and notice how you feel. Maybe you feel like you miss them. Maybe you feel a strong desire to reconnect. Maybe you feel sadness or hurt or abandonment. Remain with those images, thoughts and feelings. Take a couple of deep breaths. Recognise and acknowledge your desire for connection. Notice any change in thoughts or feelings. Listen for what wants to happen next. What do you hear?

Write out your thoughts about how you might meet to reconnect and how that might benefit both parties involved. Note any concerns you have about reconnecting. Can you, if you desire not to contact this person physically, send them love and perhaps forgiveness from your heart to theirs.

Example

I remember moving out of my mom’s house when I was twenty. I had been perfectly content living there for the most part, and enjoying all the free things she provided for me. I was smart enough to appreciate it and generally not take it for granted. But, the time came when I wanted more space and privacy and to venture into adulthood. It was a huge process. Handing in my rent check and deposit for the apartment my best friend and I got. Moving in furniture and attempting to decorate. I remember the feeling of sleeping there in the beginning – I was terrified. I felt so alone, and yet my best friend was right next door and my mom was always checking on me and I had lots of emotional support. That was the first time I had ever felt alone like that, and yet also supported and loved and not alone at all. That, to me, always marks my first understanding of adulthood being something emotional, not just taking responsibility for day to day things, but carrying the weight of just existing that my mom really used to carry a lot of for me. 

Love is the venturing out into the world of alone hearts, together. 

Summary

You are both an individual and a strand in the web of life, connected to all living things. You now understand that this realization of your aloneness and your never-aloneness is the foundation for real intimacy with others, which we will explore in further lessons.