The Art of Intimacy

Moments and experiences are asking us to be fully present to them, not rush through them in an attempt to get onto the next one. The gifts we seek lie in each moment as it comes.

Intro

There is an art to art, which lies in savoring the ability to sustain each moment of creating and expressing, in the same way we would sustain a musical note to truly enjoy its pitch and timbre. This capacity, built by both holding and opening, is to continue to hold our attention on an experience and progressively open to it, even as it opens or closes or comes closer or farther. 

The capacity to savor is the essential skill for intimacy, with the dynamic reality we know of the feminine, at the moment of impatience, of wanting to turn toward another desire or frustration. Our ability to sustain the experience, the moment, the feeling, the sensation we are in with another person determines the potential depth with which it will open for us, with the recognition that it may not, but the admission that it is the only way it will. If we rush through it to get somewhere else, we never stay in place long enough for true unfolding and intimacy to happen.

Reading – There is an Art to Art

There is an art to art, which lies in savoring the ability to sustain, in the same way we would sustain a note. This capacity, built by both holding and opening, is to continue to hold our attention on an experience and progressively open to it, even as it opens or closes or comes closer or farther. The capacity to savor is the essential skill for intimacy, with the dynamic reality we know of the feminine, at the moment of impatience, of wanting to turn toward another desire or frustration. Our ability to sustain determines the potential depth with which it will open for us, with the recognition that it may not, but the admission that it is the only way it will. The masculine mind can be fleeting, moving at points of discomfort onto the next experience without learning how to savor the experience of discomfort itself. To know the contours and textures of anticipation, of wondering, of doubt, of insecurity, of the vulnerability of being perched not knowing if she — she being art or genius or an actual woman — will ever arrive. But we can be guaranteed that if we leave our perch outside her window, we will never know.

What is key to recognize is that the feminine is steeped in the present moment. And that what might occur on the surface world as a momentary turning of attention, occurs in the depths of the feminine as a complete abandonment. As she withdraws in response, we can judge her as overly sensitive, but she is in fact sensitivity itself. And by learning her we grow the sixth sense that would guide us both into our interior worlds and through the subtle realms of reality. Our judgment of her is in fact revealing to us our own skills and how well we are able to track a reality with a care and attentiveness that is beyond the course and obvious.

To know her, we must employ a constant and deliberate emptying of the senses so that the subtle sensing organ will be available, like a tender nerve ending, giving us a read on the invisible world that determines the visible. There is no way around it, more will never equal less. No matter how many experiences we collect in an attempt to simulate the singular sublime experience we all yearn for, we will find that this kind of “more” only moves us further from the only experience that — like a tiny pinhole through which we look at the sun in eclipse — will allow us to see.

And yet, although she will remain behind a curtain, we never know whether she will open unless we come to see even the waiting and the hope for her arrival as a blessing. Chances are that we will not be one of the few and rare to know the inner sanctum of this life where she dwells. For most, will have the many, but a select few will glimpse the one.

Meditation – Stay Present

Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body. 

Take a few deep breaths, coming fully into your body and the present moment. Imagine your skin an exposed sensing organ, open and receptive. Bring your attention to your immediate environment, noticing in particular warmth and light. Maybe the room you are sitting in is heated. Maybe you have a blanket covering you and feel the concentrated warmth inside it. Notice the lighting in the room, how it moves across your eyelids and what heat (if any) it brings with it. Allow warmth and light to fill your body. Bask in it. Use your every sense to experience the moment – the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and physical sensations. If your mind wanders to a past or present concern, gently bring it back to right here, right now.

At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Write in your journal any insights, especially if staying present was a challenge for you, and why.

Exercise

Sit down and enjoy a piece of fruit or dessert where you are savoring every moment of it. Take your time to smell, noticing the different scent from different parts of the fruit or dessert. Look at it and notice the different colors and textures and shakes. Touch it and feel it with your hands, noticing the different sensations on different parts of your hands. Touch it with your lips and feel it wake up your nerves. Allow your mouth to salivate with yearning. Feel the sensation of wanting and anticipation in your body. Do a first taste with your tongue, simply letting it touch and feel the temperature and texture and different gradients of savory and sweet and acidic. Take your first bite slowly and feel the first burst of flavor in your mouth. Hold it in your mouth before chewing. Let the different parts of your tongue extract its full taste. As you chew, feel the texture and temperature. Continue to eat it artfully and slowly, savoring every last bite of your fruit/dessert.   Notice how much more you enjoyed the entire process savoring it rather than eating such a delight mindlessly. 

Example 1

I had to learn with my fiance how to hold my attention steadier when we are talking about things. It took me a long time to understand how much she feels when I shift my attention away during a conversation. We would be talking about our days, sharing about how life is going, which to me was a casual thing. I would check my phone sometimes mid conversation and then turn back and she would have the most crestfallen look on her face. We would pick the conversation back up, but the energy would be different. I used to blame her and get mad that she made such a big deal out of it. But over time, I started to feel it too. When one of us turned away suddenly during a conversation, even for a moment, it affected the feeling between us. I started to learn to let her know I needed to check my phone before doing it, which she was happy to always say sure, no problem. It’s not about locking into eye contact and staying that way unmoving for an hour or anything like that. It’s just being more deliberate and caring in how we treat the connection moment to moment. When we do it that way, something beautiful always opens up; a trust and an intimacy that we both crave. 

Example 2

A friend took me to dinner one night at this restaurant where you were supposed to sit on the floor and eat with your hands. The wait staff didn’t rush you like in some of the trendier restaurants, that wanted to move you in and out like cattle. The food was unique and meant to be savored, not gulped down like a burger. We took our time and I enjoyed picking up the rice and veggies with my fingers, dipping it in sauce without care that my fingers were sticky, tasting each new flavor, and some flavors I knew well but never took the time to really sit in my mouth for long. We were there for two hours, eating and laughing and just completely immersed in the meal and the environment. My senses came alive. We’ve been back a few times and it still is such an incredible experience because it asks you to slow down and enjoy your meal, not inhale it in a rush to get elsewhere.

“Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life.” – Gautama Buddha

Summary

You miss so much of life when you don’t savor every moment or experience. In this lesson, you looked at how art, which imitates life, is all about staying with a sensation, being in the flow without care of the past or future demands. You allow real intimacy to occur when you can be fully present to it and savor each moment in connection with another, even the difficult ones. Anger may be one of those challenges to intimacy you experience.