The Art of Intimacy

“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.”

James E. Faust

Intro

It can feel dangerous — in the world built to concretize and solidify — to communicate in real time, with feeling, in the freshest, most honest way. Our communications are often taken and locked down by the people listening to us as something permanent, not a reporting of the now, but a promise of the future. We tend to cut off moments and put them in a vase as an attempt to fix them into position and keep them there. But in reality we just kill what could have lived forever. The mature, erotic speaker must plan for the tendency to secure, making language static and a tool of the letter of — rather than the spirit of — the law. We let honesty and truth flow as life flows, without conditions imposed upon it, or upon us to tell the truth, even if our voice shakes while doing so.

• We fear speaking the truth, because the truth is always only the truth right now, while intimacy is the willingness to track reality, to not attempt to make it permanent
• When we begin to speak the truth in real time, we step out of trying to “make” a person feel a certain way, or even to “understand”
• Go inside and ask simply, what wants to be spoken; and speak that without embellishment
• Trust in its innate power and the fact that if we do not water it down or alter it for another’s listening, we may be able to deliver it with the potency of where we are delivering it from
• The truth is hot. It melts what is frozen. The key is to continue to say it regardless of how it is used. 

Reading – The Truth of This Moment

It can feel dangerous — in the world built to concretize and solidify — to communicate in real time, with feeling, in the freshest most honest way. Our communications are often taken and locked down by the people listening to us as something permanent, not a reporting of the now but a promise of the future. We tend to cut off moments and put them in a vase as an attempt to keep them. But in reality we just kill what could have lived forever. The mature erotic speaker must plan for the tendency to secure, making language static and a tool of the letter of — rather than the spirit of — the law.

We fear speaking the truth, because the truth is always only the truth right now. However, intimacy and the felt sense of intimacy is the willingness to track reality, to not attempt to make it permanent. If we are committed to moving with reality, intimacy is a powerful tool that reports in real time what is happening. If we are instead interested in building a case for securing our position, the truth of right now is dangerous.

But this security of communication is a form of sloth based on an unwillingness to maintain real time continuous communication to stay abreast of the ever-changing kaleidoscopic nature of the interior terrain. The tumescent mind sees people as static objects of their projection to fill a space inside of their scarcity and will use any means necessary to keep them frozen in that position. The tumescent mind, scarce by nature, is always looking to possess as a way to conserve what is perceived as limited energy. The tumescent mind cannot afford the truth. It sits on the sidelines, miserly hoarding, as an endless banquet passes by. Because it will not surrender itself to Erotic flow and demands to hold itself outside, it does not have access to the inexhaustible resources surrender would afford it.

Anytime someone repeats what we have said as a way to freeze us into a past communication and value obligation over the truth of this moment, we can know that they are interested in keeping us as objects rather than knowing us as interdependent subject-objects. This is performance mode communication where we concern ourselves more with the result than with the spontaneous truth of vulnerability. When we begin to speak the truth in real time, we step out of trying to “make” a person feel a certain way, or even to “understand”.  

Instead, come close as possible to speaking in the first generation; first generation being the language that is before it is “cut” with appropriateness and thus untruth. Language also not “cut” with resentment. It is the raw life-giving expression of one’s interior world in real time. The best way to know what to say is to ask yourself, “If I could say anything what would I most want to say” and to keep asking until it rings. Or to say to someone “what would you say to a friend about the situation”.  

Go inside and ask simply, what wants to be spoken; and speak that without embellishment. Sometimes we will hear that silence wants to be spoken here. Sometimes we will hear that narrative wants to be spoken here. More often than not what we will hear is direct and simple; it will be prior to resentment, care-taking, propriety, shock value, formulaic statements and provocation. It will likely be a few simple words. The language of the heart operates by the laws of nature. It uses everything, meaning it is concentrated but it is also efficient and does not waste words.

We simply continue to offer the deepest truth we can in the best way we know possible and then for the challenging part — we trust. We trust in its innate power and the fact that if we do not water it down or alter it for another’s listening, we may be able to deliver it with the potency of where we are delivering it from. Too often we stop and adjust to speak for the hearing of another rather than the accuracy of what we are communicating, and in the process lose the meaning. We so fear what others will take away that we do not allow them the option of choosing for themselves. We predetermine the incompetence of another to hear the inner stirrings of the soul and rob them of the opportunity to know us at our essence.

The truth is hot. It melts what is frozen. The key is to continue to say it regardless of how it is used.  Eventually, it must be the case that it sets us free from the deep freeze of the tumescent mind that wants to keep all things on lock down.

Meditation

Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body. 

Recall a moment recently where you felt a truth rise in you that you wanted to express and didn’t. Maybe it was too controversial and would have left you feeling alone and exposed. Maybe it’s something you fear if said would mean you would lose something, a friendship, a relationship. Maybe you were afraid you would hurt someone if you said it out loud. Whatever it was, allow it to fill the space you occupy now. Notice how it feels and where it is located in your body? What temperature is it? Imagine saying it unfiltered as it comes first to you. Notice how that feels and in particular if any judgements come in. Watch what and how you want to adjust it and what that might get you or solve for the person you are telling. Take a couple of breaths, allow that breath to soothe and soften your heart. Allow the truth to arise again, what does it sound like now? Has anything changed?

At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Write down your insights, especially the challenges you now face to tell your truth on places like social media for fear of offending or disappointing others who may not agree with you.

Exercise

Over the next week, see how many times you can say the truth in the moment, exactly what you want to say without filtering it. After each day, journal where you shared the truth exactly as you wanted to, and where you didn’t – what you would have said if you had. At the end of the week, journal on how it feels to speak the truth versus when you don’t? How do you feel when you share the truth and how do you feel when you don’t? How do your relationships shift? Do you notice a difference in your connections? If you are on social media, this is a great arena for trying this exercise and seeing how vulnerable you feel being raw with those who might only see you a certain way.

Example:

There are the people in my life who I have to speak to carefully, checking that I am understood along the way, and making sure they are not offended. Around these people, I have to shelve my dirty sense of humor and sarcasm and tendency to interrupt. I can’t say what I really think; can’t share my uncensored opinion of them or our friendship or the world. I don’t usually mind these people for the most part; it’s good practice for me to learn how to communicate well with everybody. If I misstep with people like this, the consequences can be not fun, or run the gamut all the way to dire. 

Then there are the people in my life – and these are very few – who I can be myself with. I can practice a whole other set of communication skills, like eliminating the in-between of my thoughts to my words, or matching my words to the exact sensation I feel, or being boldly honest with each other in a risky way that ignites sensation and emotion. With these people, communication is pure play, and there are few limits on where we can go. With others, it’s walking a minefield. And sometimes, it;s time to set one off anyway, despite the consequences. It’s important to know which moments are which! 

We can live from our truth no matter what has or is changing outside of us. Our truth remains steadfast, like the roots of a tree that is losing its leaves to the wind.

Summary

Does being you come with conditions you place upon yourself that involve being one way around one person, and another way around another person? Do you block, hide, or censor yourself? This lesson teaches you to stand in your truth and do it without concern for how someone else will take it. It doesn’t mean to be rude or harmful, but to be authentic and let your light shine without putting a blanket over it to dim it for the sake of others’ feelings.