The Art of Intimacy

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”  – Brene Brown

Intro

We are most powerful when we are most vulnerable. This may seem a paradox, in the same way that saying the heart that is most whole and deepest is the one that is most broken. It is only in our vulnerability that we see that we are capable of withstanding more than we thought and discover hidden resources of strength.Vulnerability allows us to be completely who we are and open ourselves to others honestly and authentically. There can be no real connection and intimacy between two people without both coming from a place of vulnerability. Otherwise, the whole foundation of the relationship is built on falsehoods, fakery, and lies.

Reading – Vulnerability

We are most powerful when we are most vulnerable. This may seem a paradox, in the same way that saying the heart that is most whole and deepest is the one that is broken. It is only in our vulnerability that we see that we are capable of withstanding more than we thought and discover hidden resources of strength.

Without vulnerability we cannot connect to the part of ourselves that is powerful and more true than any external voice. It is only in our vulnerability that we can find what we truly desire and use it as a compass, our guide in the realm of Eros.

When we are completely vulnerable we do not have to run to or from anything. We are beyond defending, protecting, justifying, judging or competing. We realize there is no enemy. Nothing can touch us in a way that is not beautiful and true. And there is only one taste — the taste of freedom, liberation.

The drop into the open, broken, receptive, honest, naked vulnerability is only two feet — from up in our heads down into our hearts. But it can seem completely disorienting and as though it will take lifetimes. We simply stay with it and stay connected no matter what. We keep showing up. For each of us, true vulnerability is specific. But we always know it when we feel it, and we always recognize it when we see it in someone else.

Meditation – Opening your protection up to feel more

Get into a comfortable position, either in a chair or seated in a meditation cushion. Set your timer for 20 minutes. Close your eyes and become aware of your breath and the sensations in your body. 

Slowly scan your body from head to toes making mental note of any places that feel tight or constricted.  Notice if your hands or jaw are clenched.  Notice if you feel any “walls” or “armor” around your heart.  Notice if you have any clenching in your pelvic area. With each breath relax these areas little by little.  You are safe in your meditation space.  Allow your body to drop some of its habitual protections.  Once you have noticed some relaxation allow yourself to feel/hear what your body wants you to know.  

At the end of the meditation, slowly bring yourself back into the room. Feel the seat beneath you and the sounds around you. Slowly open your eyes when you are ready. Write down any insights that came to you and how you felt allowing your body to open in this way. Where was there a sense of constriction or resistance? Ask your inner being why and write that down without judgment. 

Exercise

What is something that you are reluctant to share, something you can’t imagine sharing with a friend because you are afraid they will judge or reject you? Write that down like a story you are telling. As you write, notice where you want to stop, cut short, or look away. Notice what you are feeling in your body. Once you have written it, read it out loud to yourself. Notice if there is anywhere that you hide something, adjust something, dumb something down or lesson something to have it be more palatable and adjust. Practice sharing it with a friend, without defending or explaining or justifying. How did it go?  Notice how you felt and also your friend’s reaction and thoughts.

Example 1

“Yeah, you’re right.” I’ve never felt more powerful than the time I said those words to my wife when she was right in the heat-up for a big argument with me over how I had talked down to her in front of her friends earlier that night. It was the craziest thing. I was about to deny it, fight it out, tell her all my reasoning. I was not going to back down, and she wasn’t either, and we were gunning to be sleeping in separate rooms for the evening. But something came over me. She looked so hurt under the mad feelings. I saw that flash of hurt and I just knew she was right. And I found the humility enough to say it, and it put a stop to the whole cycle right there. We talked it out and it was really intimate. We in fact did not sleep in separate rooms that night. 

Example 2

I was always so ashamed of a phobia that no one knew about but myself. I was terrified of the dark and had to sleep with a television on to be able to calm down enough to actually get some shut-eye. But with the TV on, my sleep wasn’t the best quality so I was often tired and grumpy during the day. I finally decided to talk to someone about it, and trusted my phobia with a close friend. I told her how being alone in the dark felt smothering and I couldn’t breathe, so I had to have the noise and light of the TV on for comfort. She didn’t laugh, or even judge me. Instead, she shared with me a fear of her own, of open water, and we spent the rest of the day talking out our fears and what we felt was beneath them. I suddenly felt heard and acknowledged and so did she, and somehow both of our phobias began to fizzle out after that conversation.

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” – Scott Peck

Summary

You may have believed being vulnerable was being weak, but now you have the knowledge that it is just the opposite. It is about courage and authenticity and being who you are around others, and now you can feel more at home with yourself and how you relate in the world.